Query Quagmire

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Historically accurate photo captions

Prepare to learn, Query Quagmire readers (all three of you)! For today I introduce you to one of the wacky pranks we publishing professionals engage in to keep from inflicting personal bodily harm at the merest whisper of an authorial complaint.

Book Designer sometimes throws in fake photo captions in the page proofs he sends around to other departments. The page proofs are to courteously give us an idea of what the inside of the book will look like before it goes to the printer (over-simplification). The fake captions are to make sure we’re paying attention. Today he made fake captions for every photo in a single chapter of a history book. I have the feeling they’ll still be amusing without the photos:

What makes this photograph historically significant is that the cat is actually spitting milk at the cow, rather than the other way around. Also, the cow is made of tofu, and the lady was born a Norwegian man.

John Wesley Iliff’s father wanted him to work on the family farm, but he headed West instead. That’s fine, though, because his dad was a total dick.

White-faced Hereford cattle thrived on Colorado’s grasslands before the white man came, broke their promises, forcibly rounded up all the cattle, and relocated them to hamburger buns.

Times were tough in the Depression. What may look to you like a muddy ditch is actually an upscale residence for a Catholic family of eighteen, and the humble-looking farmhouse in the background is where the King of America lived. (I was raised Catholic, so I’m allowed to say things like this)

Before the invention of the phone booth, bored Americans struggled to satisfy their urges to stuff lots of things into other things. “Stuff Sacks with Potatoes; Stuff the Cart with Sacks” was the best that these Greeley farmers could come up with. These stupid bastards are all long dead by now, thank God. (Courtesy, Dead Potato Sack-Stuffers’ Union)

Legal and religious experts all agree that child labor was totally fucking awesome. (Courtesy, Society for Promotion of Child Labor)

Filed under Prepare to learn Book Designer Fake photo captions We have to do something to keep from leaping out the window every afternoon

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