- Never, ever, EVER kill the dog.
- Meetings in coffee shops are to be avoided at all costs. Exceptions: Clandestine meetings between government spies of opposite genders when said clandestine meeting simply cannot take place in a laundromat.
- Wizarding school is so over. Direct all inquiries to Ms. Rowling and Ms. Le Guin, respectively.
- Tragic romances are to be suitably tragic. If you are in doubt of the tragedy of your romance, measure it on a scale of “Twilight” to “Othello.”
- Star-crossed lovers are to be suitably star-crossed. One of them being stupid does not count.
- No capes.
- All re-imagined fairy tales must come with written permission from the rest of the reading population of the world, who are sick of them.
- Text messages do not exist.
- All teenage protagonists must be wiser than their years.
- There is only one Jack Kerouac. All impostors will be shot.
- Tragically hip characters will also be shot.
- Characters who reinforce harmful gender stereotypes will be slapped, lectured, then shot.
- Dream sequences are to be avoided at all costs.
- Conflicts based on misunderstandings are to be drawn out as long as possible. Any character who attempts to ask logical questions or explain the situation in a rational manner will be removed from the scene for optimum reader frustration.
- At least one of the following words MUST be used at least once to qualify for the romance genre: QUIVERING, PANTING, THRUSTING, GASPING, STROKING, HEAVING, or BULGING.
- Men from the British Isles are uniformly hideous and repugnant, except when they are the romantic interest.
- All fantasy book characters must be uniformly lily-white because that’s how Tolkien did it, duh.
- There are an infinite number of variations of the vampire myth. Fucking. INFINITE.
- Werewolves: See above.
- The default for all marriages is troubled-and-on-the-verge-of-combustion unless otherwise specified.
- The world is entirely populated by only children of single parents.
- All agoraphobic introverts must come with a feline familiar.
- The zombie apocalypse needs to die. It will be a mercy killing.
- Only one Magical Black Person (TM) or Wise Asian Master (TM) per book. See “The Stand”, “The Green Mile”, or most recently “The Passage.”
- Acceptable character flaws in a protagonist are limited to: tone-deafness, a dislike of horses, clumsiness, a facial scar or birth mark that isn’t actually disfiguring but makes said protagonist slightly self-conscious, growing up before one’s time, an inability to hide one’s emotions, shortness, self-perceived plainness of appearance, trust issues, internal scars left by a member of the opposite sex, unruly hair, indecisiveness in love, and short-lived naivety.
Filed under Writing Editing I don't know I was drunk at the time Publishing
