It’s time I told you all about the points system as it pertains to query letters. I’ve vaguely alluded to the points system before, but for the most part it has remained an industry secret, a mysterious code you have to crack without a decoder ring or special key. Until now.

Here’s how the points system works:

When I receive your query letter, you start with some points. How many points? I dunno, depends on how generous I’m feeling that day. How many points you start with is unimportant. What matters is how many points you lose from the moment I pick up your query letter to the moment I decide your fate (read: Tell Intern to send you a form rejection letter or request your full manuscript). You can only lose points.

You can lose points in the following ways:

• By misspelling my name
• By misspelling the name of my publishing house
• By addressing me as “Sir/Madame”, “Agent”, “Mrs.” (I’m not married and I resent the implication), “To Whom It May Concern”, “Gentlemen”, or someone else’s name entirely
• By not including a return address on your envelope or letter
• By having an AOL email address
• By having a prison mailing address
• By not enclosing a SASE
• By writing your query letter in crayon
• By writing your query letter in incomprehensible cursive
• By writing your query letter in pencil
• By writing your query letter on spiral notebook paper
• Really, by composing your query letter on anything other than a computer or a typewriter
• By sending me a twenty-five page query letter (that’s just the letter itself, mind you, not including sample chapters)
• By sending me a professionally-photographed head shot (my desire to get in your pants will not help your chances of publication)
• By writing your letter in the following fonts: Comic Sans, Papyrus, Copperplate Gothic Bold, or Monotype Corsiva
• By making a typo
• By making numerous typos
• By failing to write in discernable English (or whatever language your publisher uses)

Any infraction on the above will result in a minimum deduction of ten points. And we haven’t even gotten to the body of the query letter yet! And lest you think any of these are “minor” mistakes, take note: It doesn’t matter what you think. It matters what I think. I’m the acquiring editor and as far as you’re concerned my word is law. Unless you want to see my signature haphazardly forged by Intern on a form rejection letter, I suggest you refrain from doing anything that could lose you points. Let’s continue.

The following is a list of general phrases that, when used in the body of your query letter, will lose you points:

• My book is the next Harry Potter/Twilight/DaVinci Code.
• Authors have the humongous burden of querying editors.
• Though your submission guidelines state that I will receive a response within six months, I will follow up with you if I haven’t received a response within the next three weeks.
• Though your submission guidelines state that you are specifically not interested in this genre, I feel that you still might be interested in my book.
• I blatantly ignored your submission guidelines.
• My book is one-of-a-kind.
• You won’t be able to stop reading my book.
• My book will change lives.
• My book is your next bestseller.
• You’d be a fool not to acquire my book.
• I will generously allow you to publish my book, but I expect no less than 85% royalties.
• I wrote this book during NaNoWriMo (Note: NaNoWriMo projects are ok, just please make sure you’ve taken the time to revise them significantly from the first draft).
• I’ve been rejected by twelve publishers already, but they were all fools! Tell me you’re the editor who is smart and savvy enough to recognize my genius.
• I’m offering you the opportunity of a lifetime.
• Since it would be too hard to summarize my book in a two-paragraph pitch, I’ve attached the entire manuscript for your perusal.
• Dear editorial intern: Please pass this query along to your supervising editor as it is too important a matter to be entrusted to you (This actually happened. Do not insult Intern, people. She works damn hard for not a whole lot of reward, and if you cross her you will be hearing from me).
• I hope I am conforming to your submission guidelines… (Just do it).
• I self-published this book last year, but it turns out I suck at self-publishing because nobody is buying my book and people have said that it needs an editor. Will you do it?
• Editor-who-is-a-close-personal-friend-of-yours rejected my masterpiece, but what do they know? Clearly they’re a hack who wouldn’t know decent writing from the ass end of a horse if it trampled them and galloped off into the sunset (Just assume we all know each other).
• I have received four rejections already.
• I am expecting my book to sell 1,000,000 copies within the first year.
• My writing coach says it still needs work. What do you think?
• And while I have your attention, I’d like to pitch five other projects I think you might be interested in (ONE PROJECT PER QUERY LETTER, PEOPLE).
• I think my project might interest [name of publishing house that is not the publishing house I work for].
• Because vampires are incredibly popular right now, I’ve re-written The Vampire Diaries.
• How much will you give me in royalties when you publish my book?
• This is my memoir about my totally average life doing totally average things.
• When you publish my book, I will require full creative control over the title and cover.
• If you don’t publish my book, you’re an idiot, a loser, and no one will ever love you.
• My mom/cat/neighbor/brother/dog walker/personal trainer/someone else close to me who is not a writing or publishing professional said my book is really good.

I reserve the right to add to this list at any time. It should also be noted that losing points here and there does not necessarily mean your book will be rejected. It does, however, slightly lessen your chances. For example, if I get to the first line of your pitch and you’ve already lost 50 points, your odds are not good. But if you have maybe one typo in the entire query letter and everything else is squeaky clean, I’m willing to be lenient.

Also of import: This is my points system. Other editors and agents might have slightly different things that piss them off in a query letter. Good luck!